wondering

What punishment does a Dom get for making his sub feel lost, unimportant, unwanted?

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Despondent....

Jealousy

The other day I was asked if I would be okay with my Dom having sex with an old sub...Of course I know the correct response to this is "Yes, what ever you want is fine with me" but did I truly feel that way....nope. I am writing about it here because while I did say what I knew was expected of me, I also needed somewhere that I could put down my real feelings with out getting in trouble for being disobedient or what not.

Thought of the day: Reach for your dream, you just might make it.

Where oh where?

Where oh where can my Dom be???????????????????

insecurity

Okay, today's blog deals with a major issue of mine. Insecurity. there i said it, I am probably one of the most insecure people in the entire world. I need a Dom who can, at the very least, leave me an email or such everyday, and if we have plans that cant come to fruition, I would do well to have a message of some sort letting me know, not necessarily why, but that there is some reason, not that the Dom in question just decided not to see me after all.

Do I mean nothing?

I am thoroughly convinced I am either doing something wrong in my Dom's eyes, or I am just not important enough....

Help me understand.

what to do when your Dom has to stand you up....again.

Tell him he needs to get his butt in gear Black Friday morning and take you shopping.

*grins*

hmmm

here i sit, waiting, waiting, waiting.....disappointed.

my thoughts for today

First and foremost on my mind is this: I WANT MY DOM. ok now that I've gotten that out of my system, lol, we can move to other things. or not, maybe i will whine a bit more. I need to have a structure set, i am miserable. hint hint.


I want to learn to please someone who will actually admit that they are pleased, not turn it into a backhanded compliment when i do something right. I hate when people do that. "Oh I see you cleaned the living room a little, you could have done more."

If i could have done more at the time, i would have you idiot
(aimed at kids dad, not my Dom)

ok going to bed now, as im about to start babbling, night all

what is a Dom?

I thought, coming into this, that a Dom was someone to guide and care, to always be there for you and not let you down....now I know that I am probably going to get in trouble for this post today, but its what i am thinking, feeling....

people have said that if a Dom makes plans, those plans are set in stone....have I done something wrong to alter that? if so, I do not know what it is....maybe its just me.

Have a good day! will post more tonight or in next couple days....

women

I have only been with a couple of women. I think I would like to explore that more, but mostly I seem to like when they do things for me, as opposed to the other way around. There is just something about how they take care of me.....hard to explain. I guess in a way its like they are more conscientious about what they are doing.

feelings

Okay, I guess today I will tell you about other guys. I was asked to talk about how it feels letting guys I don't know have sex with me for money....the thing is, thats not entirely how it is. I mean, I don't just up and meet a guy and have sex with him the same day. I spend weeks if not months talking to them first.

It actually ends up being more of a friend helping a friend out type situation, but in any case, I do enjoy it. I get to feel like I am the most important thing in someone's world, even if it is only for an hour or so, plus I get help with buying food for my children or paying a bill or such.

My "husband" could care less about me, shows no affection, not even hugs, and I need that terribly, so my friends help out alot. I need the closeness that I am deprived of from my children's dad.

What do I need?

How do I know what I need? I can't figure it out. I know I need discipline, but I also crave something more, but isn't the whole point what the Dom needs? It's all so confusing for me still. I need to find someone to explain the sub side to me....I mean, am I allowed to say how I feel at any given point, or do I ask permission first to share my feelings? Maybe I am not allowed to share unless asked?


Any insights would be most welcome, so that I can please my Dom better!

sad and alone

Well, I've gone and done it I suppose. I've disappointed yet another person, but this time it was the one who was going to be my Dom....I guess he wants nothing to do with me now. that or he is avoiding me to punish me, knowing that this gets to me more than anything else. I hope I hear from him soon.

I can't think of anything else to write this evening, sorry. Maybe tomorrow will be better

october 5 2009

Sorry for the lag in posts. I am sure I will be in trouble for this. It's just been a very trying last week. I've been sad for a number of reasons, but starting to do better now so I am back.

I was supposed to go to my first BDSM party last Saturday but it didnt work out. I am kind of nervous of what that will be like, but excited too, as I am with most new things. The thrill of trying something new, which can also be scary, but the person who will be taking me helps with that. I always feel safe with him. I know he would never let anyone hurt me.

I recently started trying light bondage with another friend of mine, and have found it to be interesting, not that I will let just anyone do that, for me it takes an extraordinary amount of trust. You see, when I was 18 I was engaged to this guy who used to do bondage, but he was also very abusive, so for a long time, I equated one with the other. I am slowly learning that is not always the case.


Ok, thats all for now. More to come!

Sept. 29th

Okay, who's ready to hear more? This one is going to be kind of detailed, so if you dont want specifics, stop reading now lol.

I have been asked to share a few of my experiences, so here they are. First off, know that I am married, although unhappily, and working towards divorce.

My husband's cousin lives with us on and off, and has done so for the past....ten years, until about a year ago. well I have always had feelings for his cousin, not that he knows that. the cousin and i are best friends and have been for 14 years. a few years back, I got brave enough to let him know how i felt, to a point...and while my husband was upstairs asleep, his cousin and I were downstairs having sex on my couch. you might think I was drunk or something, but no, and as far as I know, I am not able to get drunk. I just really needed the closeness of sex and to let him know how i felt about him.

Next experience: I realized about 7 years ago that I am bisexual. Now I've only been with a couple of women, but thats mostly just because I have always had an easier time talking to and being friends with guys I was asked if I was on top or bottom more....I would have to say its about even I suppose. Why do I like women? Honestly, I think its more to the fact that I like being licked...and have found very few men willing to do so. I also like being able to bring pleasure to people, men and women alike.

I love sex, the closeness, the awareness of giving someone the ultimate possible pleasure that another person can give. I am not into anal, but that I believe is only because the two people I have tried it with were very....uncaring for lack of a better word, and so it was painful.

Someone asked me why I like oral more than actual intercourse...its not that I like it better, it is more to the fact that because of being molested as a child, certain nerves were damaged and so I am only able to have an orgasm a couple different ways in general. If I am being eaten out or if someone is sucking and licking my nipples while fingering my pussy. There are only a couple of men who have been able to bring me to orgasm through vaginal intercourse, but I like the act nonetheless!

If you are reading this and find you have any questions or such, feel free to leave a comment!!

I will be back tomorrow!

Sept. 28th 2009

ok, I am back again....so you are here because you want to know more about why I am the way I am....to be honest, I am still learning that myself, so here we go, on an adventure together, sound good? lets go!!!!

I have always had abandonment issues, that I believe come from knowing I was a ward of the state. Because of that, I have had this NEED to please people, sometimes to my detriment. When I was little, I trusted my older "brother" while he would watch me when our "parents" worked. At some point, he started molesting me. Now I don't remember him doing so, but he told me he did, when he was asking for my forgiveness when I was older.

I have always loved sex, and have been told I'm good at it, by both men and women, though I've only been with 2 women. Having found something that I can do that no one has ever complained about with me, I now revel in it. Any time I come across someone who wants to be with me, I am thrilled at the thought of being able to please another person. When someone feels they should offer me something in return, who am I to say no?

ok, signing off for now, more soon!

introduction-sept.27, 2009

Why did I become what I am? Do what I choose to do? I would have to say that the main reason is lack of love at home....not from when I was growing up mind you, but after I was married. Constant belittlement when you already have very low self esteem pretty much kills any esteem you might have left. At first, I was just helping a friend to start being an escort, but then the guys she would meet through my website or through me wanted me more than her. That kind of attention felt so good, I decided to try escorting too. I mean, I like sex, and being the only person on a guys mind even just for an hour is great, and the money was an added bonus. Now I am trying to be a sub to someone that I have known for a few years. Why did I choose to become a sub? I think its because I want to know I'm cared for and being taken care of on that level, and also from a need to be accepted, and knowing that by doing so, I am making someone happy and proud of me.

That's all for now, more to come later.