women

I have only been with a couple of women. I think I would like to explore that more, but mostly I seem to like when they do things for me, as opposed to the other way around. There is just something about how they take care of me.....hard to explain. I guess in a way its like they are more conscientious about what they are doing.

feelings

Okay, I guess today I will tell you about other guys. I was asked to talk about how it feels letting guys I don't know have sex with me for money....the thing is, thats not entirely how it is. I mean, I don't just up and meet a guy and have sex with him the same day. I spend weeks if not months talking to them first.

It actually ends up being more of a friend helping a friend out type situation, but in any case, I do enjoy it. I get to feel like I am the most important thing in someone's world, even if it is only for an hour or so, plus I get help with buying food for my children or paying a bill or such.

My "husband" could care less about me, shows no affection, not even hugs, and I need that terribly, so my friends help out alot. I need the closeness that I am deprived of from my children's dad.

What do I need?

How do I know what I need? I can't figure it out. I know I need discipline, but I also crave something more, but isn't the whole point what the Dom needs? It's all so confusing for me still. I need to find someone to explain the sub side to me....I mean, am I allowed to say how I feel at any given point, or do I ask permission first to share my feelings? Maybe I am not allowed to share unless asked?


Any insights would be most welcome, so that I can please my Dom better!

sad and alone

Well, I've gone and done it I suppose. I've disappointed yet another person, but this time it was the one who was going to be my Dom....I guess he wants nothing to do with me now. that or he is avoiding me to punish me, knowing that this gets to me more than anything else. I hope I hear from him soon.

I can't think of anything else to write this evening, sorry. Maybe tomorrow will be better

october 5 2009

Sorry for the lag in posts. I am sure I will be in trouble for this. It's just been a very trying last week. I've been sad for a number of reasons, but starting to do better now so I am back.

I was supposed to go to my first BDSM party last Saturday but it didnt work out. I am kind of nervous of what that will be like, but excited too, as I am with most new things. The thrill of trying something new, which can also be scary, but the person who will be taking me helps with that. I always feel safe with him. I know he would never let anyone hurt me.

I recently started trying light bondage with another friend of mine, and have found it to be interesting, not that I will let just anyone do that, for me it takes an extraordinary amount of trust. You see, when I was 18 I was engaged to this guy who used to do bondage, but he was also very abusive, so for a long time, I equated one with the other. I am slowly learning that is not always the case.


Ok, thats all for now. More to come!